Fake Horns and Plastic Halos
by Shinigami Illusion
Summary: Yet another horrendously boring school..but what happens, when two little weird-ass 1x2 obsessed consciences decide to perch happily on Duo's and Heero's shoulders and intervene in every possible little way to create the perfect yaoi setting? Yaoi. Humor.
1. And it begins - Yet another oddball stor...

Title: Fake Horns and Plastic Halos  
  
Warnings: 1x2, yaoi, weird-ness, lemon in later chapters, possible Relena bashing, we'll see how the story goes.  
  
Disclaimer: I. Owning. Not. GW. *Sniffle*  
  
SI: Well, since I absolutely LOVED writing Dear Journal…here's something similar. Similar, meaning, the same weird humor and drool-able material …kinda.=P  
  
Kame: Oh boy…we're in for it now…  
  
Shinigami: I need a vacation -.-"  
  
SI: Oi! ¬¬  
  
  
  
Heero woke to the highly annoying sound of some form of gargling, or possibly three or more people being viciously strangled by a piano cord, and were attempting to scream in outmost terror. That, or someone had dropped a huge tarantula in the middle of one of Relenas girls sorority meetings in her private school, with all its members having a very advanced form of throat cancer. The point? It was a nasty, unpleasant, and very sickening sound one does not want to be awoken to. One that accompanied the coming of morning with two minutes of horror; enough to drive anyone insane.  
  
Duo had woken up early.  
  
Now there was nothing wrong with that, quite the opposite. It was a relief that you didn't have to sit on him and whack him in the face with a pillow or two until he regained some precious consciousness with often didn't last longer than two minutes. Once Heero had even had to resort to extremes by using the enemy of all sleeping entities: Ice.  
  
It was his –friend- for a few days after that incident, because a sever blow from Duo's part hit him in the eye. That was when he got it confirmed that purple, especially looking like excessive mascara and accompanied by numbing pain, was not his piece of cake.  
  
As abruptly as it had started, the gargling (or whatever it would be classified as) stopped tormenting his ears and the bathroom door set in the wall parallel to his bed about five meters away was flung open. A bright eyed and by the looks of it, newly showered Duo, towel wrapped around his waist, waved cheerfully at Heero, who was draped sloppily across the bed. A malicious grin followed as the scantily clad boy proceeded to drag an old battered suitcase from the foot of his bed, to its top, a process, which didn't go very well and resulted in him giving up after a few seconds. He always took the presence of the bag for granted. Little did he know that Heero dragged it into every new accommodation they were sent to.  
  
Wet strands of glistening brown hair was plastered to his skin; now and then crystal clear drops of water would sliver their way down the crevices and curves of his skin. The movement of bending down gave visually pleasing result as the minute piece of cloth known as a towel rode up to expose his slender thighs. Muscles shifted as he rested his weight on one leg, and his hair cascaded in tendrils to one side, presenting his slim white neck into clear view.  
  
The curvaceous figure suddenly made the word 'picturesque' seem a very feeble and unsatisfactory adjective. Heero, from where he was peering out between his hair from where his head was buried in the pillow, felt much repaid for some strange reason unknown to mankind and robots alike.  
  
"Mornin' buddy," The 'picturesque' Duo said cheerfully from piles of black, black, and more back strewn around the floor. It was a hard choice to make, had he not had extensive experience in finding clothes in a mass of black…and the occasional red that just happened to have made it's way into his bag.  
  
Heero grunted some monotonous form of reply while trying to figure out why in the nine hells Duo was up early. The only thing that could have him up early was waffles, or the first days of new schools. He liked to make a good impression that kept him pretty much in good standing with both students and teachers for the rest of the time he spent there. A clever strategy. A lot of his neglected grades were heartily excused, and detentions were very rare. He did learn everything that was said and taught with great ease, to such a point where he deemed it useless to go through with tests and assignments. Hence, the need to get on the good side of all involved in academic work.  
  
"'aight, I know you're tired and all, but you need to help me here," Duo said, rising to scratch his head slightly while staring down at the mess which was his bag. Heero raised his head an inch or so above the pillow, blinking some excess sleep out of his eyes and trying to look unappreciating of Duo talking to him. He should have achieved an award for the face he pulled.  
  
"With?" He snapped as best he could, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. Duo held up his hands and offered a would-be apologetic smile, which turned out more as a mocking grin.  
  
"Not that you would actually know, but have you seen my pa-" He was interrupted as bare arm shot up and pointed at the item of black clothing that had been slung across the drawers in the corner.  
  
"-pants…" Duo finished, raising an eyebrow at Heero. Sometimes his super- enhanced memory was a bit too scary. Him knowing irrelevant things like the location of Duo's pants was even scarier. He shuffled over to the drawer, keeping a suspicious eye on Heero, and dropping the towel as if he did it all the time.  
  
Huston, we have full frontal nudity.  
  
Heero had a tough time not staring, but through devious scheming managed to inconspicuously stare until his eyes bugged out between some of his hair and a well-placed piece of his blanket.  
  
"Have you gotten our…scheme thingies yet?" Duo asked, not caring if he got an answer or not, looking around listlessly for a pair of boxers. He looked to Heero for an answer as to where they'd be, and found that he was no longer looking. Or so it appeared.  
  
"Oi! Heero! Boxers, me, I need, got any ideas? I'm not going to classes nude, I don't think the rest of the school would appreciate it much," He clarified himself, hands on his bare hips. He cocked his head to the side and smiled amusedly at the limp figure of Heero collapsed amongst the sheets. His thick black eyelashes tickled his cheeks with every slow blink he took. Curious how time slows when your doing nothing but staring and letting the image carry your thoughts and imagination to new heights.  
  
"I don't know where they are," Heero mumbled quietly, managing to tear his gaze from Duo's lower extremity and staring blankly into the pillow. He reminded himself over and over that nudity was not something that registered with him. It was too distracting. He was supposed to be indifferent. And when did Duo decide it was ok to strip in front of him anyway? Sure, he'd always been…somewhat distracted, by Duo…but Duo was stretching the limits now! Yes indeed. He was crossing the line of justice. Then again, Duo had never been restricted to what he could and couldn't do in Heeros presence. And his line of justice probably shifted constantly or didn't exist at all. Heero mentally guessed that Duo's line of justice, was very ambiguous, and hidden beneath a whole lot of other lines. Almost all of which he seemed to ignore.  
  
And Heero was not supposed to be attracted to Duo's currently nude state, much less his clothed state, at any rate. Can we say…nature is being a cruel bitch?  
  
Duo smirked at him, turning around to rummage around for some suitable boxers. Heero couldn't ignore the luxurious curve of the ass that was turning his way, a beautiful pale golden tone that Heero had no idea how he managed to obtain.  
  
"Aha!" Duo exclaimed, dragging a pair of black – what else would they be? – boxers out from their hiding place beneath Heero's bed. He gave Heero an accusing look while twirling the clothing around his finger. If it hadn't been for the situation, it would have appeared very comical. A nude vision of perfection spinning boxers around his finger as if they were a lasso is hard to deem boring.  
  
"You gladly point out my pants, but my boxers you prefer to hide?" Duo teased cruelly, still refraining from actually putting on the garment. Heero was determined to stare at some interesting piece of fluff that was located on his pillow. The fluff, was the only thing that was allowed to occupy his mind. Only, fluff. Nothing but, the fluff.  
  
Duo placed his hands on his hips and shook his head with a soft sigh, bending down to drag the boxers on. Meanwhile, Heero had become very involved with the mysteries and science of the fluff on his pillow. He somehow got the feeling he'd be an expert on the subject pretty soon.  
  
"Back in a sec., 'kay pal?" Duo grabbed a random pile of black and padded across the carpeted floor back to the bathroom. The door closed with a soft click.  
  
And Heero let out a very long sigh to release the air his lungs had accumulated. In some way, Duo WOULD pay for that. Heero had a strong notion that Duo had absolutely no idea of the addictive-ness of his drug self, and how it affected his system. Wrong thought, wrong thought. Very very wrong. When you are of the male sex of the species, you do not stare and feel attracted to the same gender as yourself. It's not NORMAL.  
  
Well…that was at least what coursed through Heero's mind in a boringly repetitive sequence, much like a tape for 'Learn to speak French' or similar.  
  
Heero didn't know whether to place Duo on the 'pleasure' or 'pain' side of the almighty justice line. He was teetering dangerously close to the 'pleasure' side though; no matter how hard he tried to will himself to regard Duo as a nuisance. Not even his well-trained mind was capable of it, which dismayed him greatly.  
  
And then something occurred, which would send a normal human being into spasm of panic.  
  
The laws of Newton, Boyle, and all other scientific masterminds, were broken fit to give a life sentence complete with a daily trip to an old fashioned electric chair for reinforced punishment.  
  
"Showing yourself to a weakling, is very uncharacteristic of you, Yuy." A little voice on the shoulder exposed to air hissed quietly, in a tone very much like his own, except in a way it was…slightly chibified.  
  
"I'm not showing myself as a weakling, voice." He replied in a growl, not paying attention to much else but convincing himself of his theories on fluff being more interesting than Duo by a mile. Fluff was fluffy, and full of fluff, and could change shape, it could be found on pillows, could be just about any color, and…  
  
'Voice'?  
  
Even Heero Yuy couldn't be prevented from landing with an audible thud on the floor, tangled up in his covers, which were intertwined across his body and over his head in some strange and almost impossible way. And after getting himself out of the shock of landing on the hard floor there was still one little detail that had to be sorted out…  
  
Voice!? Stop and REWIND!  
  
Ripping the sheets from where they were entangled, splitting a few seams of fabric, Heero stared up at the origin of the vocals in disbelief. He could have sworn he heard a voice, and it sounded a bit too much like…  
  
His eyes locked on to the relatively small target.  
  
And it took every ounce, every tiny miniscule portion of Perfect Soldier content he'd ever contained, not, to scream.  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
A/N: So whatcha think? ^^; I like writing…weird fics. Yessums, that I do. And I have a feeling this one will be …high up on the humor scale =P At least for my standards! Review, puh-leeeeease ^^ 


	2. Duo's toothpick duel!

Title: Fake Horns and Plastic Halos  
  
Warnings: 1x2, yaoi, weird-ness, lemon in later chapters, possible Relena bashing, we'll see how the story goes.  
  
Disclaimer: I. Owning. Not. GW. *Sniffle*  
  
SI:.nothing to say except.onwards!  
  
  
  
Duo was trying to brush his teeth, braid his hair, and get dressed all at the same time, but those three actions required sixteen arms, which, to his disappointment, he did not have. Cursing the toothbrush for spreading white foam everywhere, his clothes for not having a goddamn life of their own, and his hair for simply being in the way, he resorted to the boring 'normal' way of conducting things in a bathroom.  
  
Stick the toothbrush in your mouth and chew on it until your teeth are sufficiently clean, attempt to use your feet to get dressed, while whole- heartedly devoting your attention to your hair while lovingly braiding it in the most careful of ways.  
  
Ah heck, why get dressed at all? People had probably always wanted to see him nude anyway.  
  
But then there was that little problem with getting expelled, because the principal wouldn't admit that a nude Duo was a very pleasing sight indeed. Closet hentai. That's what all principals are, Duo had decided a long time ago.  
  
Muttering under his breath on the subject of failed human evolution, Duo grabbed a random towel off the rack and vigorously scrubbed his face clear of foam, which contributed to make him look severely rabid.  
  
"Don't scrub too hard! It's not good for your -visage-" a very familiar voice hissed from his shoulder.  
  
Duo froze in an awkward position with his elbows sticking out like a scarecrow. Something in the back of his mind told him that either he himself had said that, or insanity was finally taking it's toll on him. HEERO certainly wouldn't give two craps about the way he handled his face, nor would he be caught dead (or alive, for that matter) using the word 'visage'.  
  
"You know, you look like a total IDIOT like this.as if you're eating the towel or something," the little voice continued, it's origin being his shoulder.  
  
"Are you going to say anything or what?" It piped up again, "Usually you blabber constantly without a pause, and now *I* have to take care of that?! Don't you know I could get a sore throat! Then again that isn't very likely since-"  
  
Duo slowly, very slowly, lowered the protective shield of towel-ness from his face. His eyes were wide as dinner plates (Bluish-violet dinner plates, it's the new fad!) as he stared at his obviously horrified reflection in the mirror. His gaze slowly shifted to the general direction of the voice and fixed on a tiny figure perched happily on his shoulder, the thing responsible for the yapping that could outclass even him.  
  
Yep. He'd gone insane alright.  
  
"- and then I would have to get strepsils, and I mean man, those things are really nasty unless you-" The little 'thing' on his shoulder blinked confusedly at him, and put it's hands on it's miniscule hips,"What!?"  
  
"."  
  
It resembled him to the very last detail. The braid, the cute little black pilots outfit and high collar, the eyes, the incessant chattering and sarcasm.it was downright scary.  
  
Well of course it was scary. Having a look-alike of yourself in a 3 inch version sitting on your shoulder complaining about how you take care of your face does tend to be slightly out of the ordinary.  
  
"Er.Boo?"  
  
What followed was a very high-pitched scream courtesy Duo, who did a stop- drop-and-roll sequence at very high speeds across the bathroom floor, kicking and flailing his arms for all he was worth. He really did look as if his ass was suffering from a flame attack. Grabbing the nearest object that could be considered a weapon, he brandished it at the 'thing' that was now sitting silently on the chipped porcelain washstand.  
  
"Stay back! I have.I have."  
  
His choice of weapon?  
  
A bar of extremely scary, highly deadly, pink soap, fragranced with rose essence. Doomsday is near!  
  
".whatcha gonna do, wash me?" The little thing cackled evilly from where it sat, poking it's tongue out and making some rather ridiculous grimaces and faces in Duo's direction. It was really too bad it didn't anticipate the.  
  
FLUMP!  
  
And Mr. Conscience Big-Shot was tumbling down the sink, with several soft 'thumps', resulted from the deadly soap being flung at high speed at him by a panicked Duo.  
  
"You.you stay back, or I'll shove a strepsile sideways up your tin-ay ass!" Duo brandished another weapon - a fatally dangerous toothpick - at the conscience-wannabe, who was currently scrambling onto the edge of the basin.  
  
"I have a toothpick, and I'm not afraid to use it!" He almost shrieked, jumping to his feet and holding the wooden splinter intrant of him like a sword.  
  
"Ooooh, tough guy!" The conscience retorted, drawing his own toothpick from the illusive pocket-space, getting into battling stance and trying his best to appear threatening. A hard feat to accomplish at his 'height'.  
  
"Give me the best you've got!" Duo hissed challengingly, charging at the tiny entity with a battle-cry to match Tarzan.  
  
The lethal wooden sticks clashed in deadly battle as Duo and his conscience battled furiously over dominance of.the sink. Both faces wore set expressions of concentration as the toothpicks were handled skilfully in a battle of outmost severity.  
  
"Damnit!" Duo recoiled, nursing a tiny pin-prick wound that he had acquired, snaking off into the corner of the bathroom, casting angry glares in the direction of the victorious chibi-himself that was currently flaunting it's sword-fighting genius by doing a few stunts with the toothpick.  
  
"I. Rule. Nyah!" The chibi did a twirling pirouette movement that would have won an award in a ballet class - the prospect of anything remotely resembling him taking part in ballet horrified Duo - with the sheer perfection of it. "So, anyway, back to work!" The chibi chirped, sitting down cross-legged on the sink, flicking his mini-reading glasses onto his nose and trying his best to look important and official and business-like.  
  
Duo simply stared at it in a not-knowing-anything-what-the-fuck kind of way, with his head tilted to the side in a daze. He looked much like a sedated plush bear, minus the flab, as he sat daftly in the corner of the bathroom recovering from shock.  
  
And as if that wasn't enough, the little midget suddenly rose from it's place and with a poof of sparkly purple smoke transformed it's clothing - stylish clothing, of course into.  
  
.a purple cocktail gown complete with the necessary facial applications and hairdo.  
  
"I guess I should intro- DAMNIT! I thought I had this sorted already!" The bug squawked, covering himself up awkwardly while trying NOT to trip over the hem of his dress with the horrifyingly high stiletto heels.  
  
Duo stared.  
  
"As I was saying, I should INTRODUCE, myself," it continued, trying in vain to wipe off the stay-on-forever lipstick covering it's lips.  
  
Duo, still stared.  
  
"I am the infamous, ok so maybe not infamous, super-duper, highly attractive, very own-"  
  
And here, it cleared its throat importantly, sticking it's nose in the air like the most finely tuned aristocrat snob in existence.  
  
"Conscience."  
  
Duo's jaw dropped open a few centimetres, his eyes taking on the size of serving plates (Eat on the actual serving plates! All the Hollywood stars do it!) with a thin glaze of 'WHAT!?' filling them quickly.  
  
".you're.my.my.what?" He stuttered, not exceptionally willing to believe what he was hearing.  
  
"Conscience!" The now transvestite appearing midget chimed happily, struggling to sit down and cross its legs while grinning happily in Duo's general direction. This just served to freak Duo out some more, because his hands dropped to his side and he took on a calm appearance.but not for long. There is always a calm before the storm. It soon contorted into one of pure terror - most of it likely due to the impact of shock and he opened his mouth and literally screamed, at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Holy SHIT! I walk into the bathroom, and I get this little midget who call himself my conscience prancing about in a cocktail dress and beating me at ranting!? What the fuck is wrong with this picture!? Consciences aren't supposed to be transvestites! Nor are they meant to be TINY COPIES OF YOU! BE GONE WITH YOU!"  
  
Duo took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself somewhat while never taking his eyes of Chibi-Duo.  
  
"Well THAT'S a nice way to be welcomed!" It sulked, glaring at him. Duo glared right back at it, on his feet with his hands on his hips.  
  
"It isn't MY fault running into my own goddamn conscience isn't something that happens regularly," He hissed, annoyance, irritation.and sheer amusement of all things, playing across his face. Being the Duo that he was, he couldn't help himself. It just wasn't humanly possible for him NOT to ask.  
  
"Introductions are officially over, what the HELL do you want?"  
  
An evil smirk came across the consciences face, and with another poof of pathetically purple smoke, he was on Duo's shoulder.  
  
"Ooooooh.you'll see soon enough."  
  
Duo raised an eyebrow slightly, not knowing what to think about this statement. But he was in too much of a state of bewilderment to create a good come-back. Nor was he in much of a state to actually.consider the reality of the whole thing.  
  
".what d'you mean by that, exactly?" He asked, an edge of evil in his voice as he considered the possibilities.  
  
The conscience rubbed his hands together, horns practically shooting from it's head, a small red tail swinging lazily behind him in a second. Fangs glinted through the smirk that clearly said, this midget was up to something.  
  
"Let's just say, it has a lot to do with a certain.01," It replied, throwing it's head back to laugh evilly, flailing it's arms and guffawing hoarsely. It looked.stupid.  
  
"If you.catch my drift," It finished, after it's attack of evil laughter.  
  
Duo had gotten than glint in his eye. The one that clearly states he too, is up to something, very evil. The one that tells you, I'm-conspiring- something-so-you'd-better-start-running. The one that tells you, the wheels in Shinigami's head are turning to the rhythm of pure animosity.  
  
"I think I have a general idea." Duo grinned madly, grabbing his toothbrush and quickly finishing the job, racing to finish the affairs in the bathroom. As he scrambled about in a messy manner to complete the morning tasks, he cackled in a.scary way.  
  
"Mission, accepted."  
  
TBC  
  
A/N: Sooooo..how'd you like it? ^.~ Sorry it took so long to get it up -.- With FF.net being down and holidays and homework and all that kind of evil.am I being OOC? O.o 


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